Here and floundering...

I'm here. I'm sad. I'm floundering. But I'm working on it.

My sister, brother-in-law, and nieces were here for a good long visit. Seeing them, being with them, and touring with them kept us all very busy, and left me with very little time to sink into sadness. They headed home a couple of weeks ago, and it's been really difficult since then. Food was OK while they were here, but now that I am by myself (with kids), I find myself using it as a sedative. Every morning, I wake up and think, I will get on track today. By afternoon, I think, how about a piece of toast, or a cookie? Or three?

That and some book I've read a million times before are how I get through my evenings. I can't even knit most nights - it seems too hard, although I am working on something I really like.

David had to go to Germany for 6 weeks, so we've been alone, me and the kiddoes, since my family left. We head to see him on Wednesday, thank God. I miss him so very much. He was my rock when it happened, and when he had to leave, I was so very grateful my sister was already here. I don't think I could have kept it together if we hadn't kept so busy.

I do OK, as long as I don't stop to think. Once I stop and sit down, the grief can be overwhelming. I still don't believe this has happened. I keep thinking of things to tell mom, or to show her. And everything, everywhere, reminds me of her. Even when I am getting through the day, and going through the motions, inside I am howling. How can she be gone?